Yes, we have watched too many movies over the last year. We came to that realization when the cat sat watching the Oscars, giving it her full attention. Seriously, she was watching every moment!
Monthly Archives: February 2015
Reflection and Progression
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Sitting in a chair facing my friend, who sits reclined back comfortably in her recliner we discuss our new book and what a wonderful author John Bunyan is. His incredible allegory of the walk of a Christian in Pilgrims Progress. We usually meet once a week at her home (she is completely home bound and unable to do anything for herself anymore) and read a chapter or two of a book. This week, we began a new book and because we both were enjoying it so much, decided to throw in a second day. Our visits over the last 6 months have been pretty much the same, we visit first, her husband sweetly confirms she is comfortable and as he exits to his “man cave” office, she and I share a little more of our week and I begin to read.
As we began our new book, we were thrown a curve ball. I began reading and when I finished page 16, I began reading what I thought was page 17 only to realize that the story didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up to see that the page after 16 was actually page 23. Now, keep in mind that I cannot read on my own without having to read one page several times due to my Lymes and my friend cannot read at all and depending upon the day may have issues with processing information due to her corticobasil degeneration. That being said, you can just imagine my dismay to find that in a neatly hardbound book there were no pages ripped out and yet pages 17-22 were missing. We both sat there laughing not quite sure what to do. We quickly realized that our time together that day may be cut short by a error in the binding of the book.
Upon further investigation, I found the rest of the pages… 10 pages further into the book. So, as if it isn’t funny enough that we are reading Pilgrims Progress together, both of us having cognitive issues and both of us being more tired in the afternoon, I now was challenged with reading from right to left rather than left to right and my friend had to endure me stopping at critical parts of the story just to find my place. Honestly, I kept thinking it would have made for a great home video recording.
Well, as it is with my memory these days, I completely forgot this when I went over to read to her the second day. So of course, I began reading where I left off and of course ended up reading some of what we had already read earlier in the week amongst the new pages of the story. Once again, we had to laugh and I had to regroup and figure out where my next pages were. Were they 10 pages forward or 2 pages back.
Having Lyme makes life so interesting! Seriously, I can relate to the frustration that was felt in the movie Still Alice… I am physically so much better than last year that I am not complaining at all. Last year at this time I could not walk up a flight of steps without nearly passing out and I could not do anything for myself except maybe a shower, and that was not daily as I just didn’t have the energy for it. I was in constant pain, my exhaustion was unexplainable and my energy level was at best good for only about an hour. By mid afternoon my brain was so foggy that I could not process information, I was unable to drive as I forgot where I was going and when I drove I completely blanked out and couldn’t remember I had driven at all. To go anywhere that needed walking I had to use a wheelchair.
After 10 months I had serious doubts I’d recover from this illness. You can imagine my my excitement when I found the doctor and protocol I had been looking for since being first diagnosed. So in early May, my Integrative doctor agreed to let me try the protocol of the other doctor I found and by June I was going to the Highland games with the family and the wheelchair stayed in the garage. I’m not saying it didn’t need to be brought out from time to time, but overall I was seeing improvements. By July I was able to make an 8 hour drive to our cottage alone with my daughter and by September I was driving to CA with the kids. The pain subsided within that first month and slowly my energy level began to increase. The brain fog has also improved, unless of course I am extremely tired and have not slept well. Learning my limitations, keeping track of my symptoms and making adjustments with my meds has been such a help. Having two doctors who look beyond, listen to me with all ears and keep an open mind to the research I also do has been a blessing.
Your likely wondering why I went from reading Pilgrims Progress to my health. Well, as we read on Thursday, I couldn’t help but to think about the characters in the story, what they stood for and how even though the book was first published in 1678, the allegory is so powerful for us today. No wonder it is the second most widely published book in world to this day, second only to the Bible. Although I enjoyed the book a few years ago when the kids and I read it together and studied it, I think after the last year I am enjoying it even more.
On Thursday we read about Christian meeting the Interpreter and what he finds in the Palace prior to going any further on his journey. Within the Palace there are a number of rooms. One of the rooms was rather small and introduced were two children, Passion and Patience. The characteristics of the two were such:
Passion was seen as being discontent; wanting of all things now, and at that moment Patience was quiet; willing to wait for that which is yet to come
In the story, the Interpreter explains: “These two lads are Figures; Passion of the men of this World, and Patience of the men of That which is to come: For as here thou seest, Passion will have all now, this year; that is to say, in this world; so are the men of this world: they must have all their good things now, they cannot stay till next year, that is, until the next World, for their portion of good. That proverb, A Bird in the Hand is worth two in the Bush, is of more authority with them, than are all the Divine testimonies of the Good of the World to come. But as thou sawest, that he had quickly lavished all away, and had presently left him nothing but rags; so will it be with all such men at the End of this world.
Christian replies: Now I see that Patience has the best Wisdom, and that upon many accounts. 1. Because he stays for the best things. 2. And also because he will have the Glory of his, when the other has nothing but rags.
Interpreter: Nay, you may add another, to wit, the Glory of the next World will never wear out; but these are suddenly gone. Therefore Passion had not so much reason to laugh at Patience, because he had his good things first, as Patience will have to laugh at Passion, because he had his best things last; for first must give place to last, because last must have its time to come; but last gives place to nothing; for there is not another to succeed: He therefore that hath his portion first, must needs have a Time to spend it; but he that has his portion last, must have it lastingly: Therefore it is said of Dives, In thy Lifetime thou receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted, and thou are tormented.
Christian: Then I perceive it is not best to covet things that are now, but to wait for things to come.
And in conclusion, I want to end with the beginning of what Interpreter has to say next: “You say truth: For the things that are seen are Temporal; but the things that are not seen are Eternal:
I have to admit that last year when I was diagnosed, I wanted my body to heal and for my life to go back as it used to be. I wanted to go back to being the super mom who could get up in the morning, make breakfast, school the kids, drive them around town for their activities, pull weeds out of the garden, help my friends paint their houses, stop for groceries and spend long hours in the kitchen preparing dinners for my family, all in one day. I wanted to be able to plan out events for the homeschool community or prepare classes as I once had in our co-op classes. I wanted to be organized without losing things. I wanted healing at that moment. I tried to be patient, and I even prayed that the Lord use my illness for His good will. Yet internally, my mind wanted desperately to have my life back.
In reading the above exchange between Christian and Interpreter, I was seeing myself as being like that of Passion. Although my heart longs to be more like Patience, I know that my human nature as a sinner is more like that of Passion. As the months drew on and now another year, I am learning more and more the importance of the lessons of Patience. The story has resonated in my mind ever since our reading on Thursday and I know it’s through the Providence of God that He continues to teach this weary being of lessons He needs for me to learn, sanctifying me so that perfection may still yet be seen.
If I had received the blessing of quick healing, would I have followed the leading of my heart to go see my friend who was already home bound? Would I have understood what it was like for those who have no or limited social interaction with others? Would I be reading Pilgrims Progress with a friend who needs to be reminded of the eternal blessings yet to come? Would I have understood that I truly had sisters that took time out of their days to help me cope in my own loneliness?
Honestly, I think not. If God had allowed me to follow my own way, just as Passion, then I am quite certain my short lived illness would have been placed in a box on a shelf where dust would settle only to be forgotten. I would have gone on with my days wanting to be something more and someone more than I am meant to be. I would have likely filled my days with things that have no real meaning other than for self. My friend would still be sitting in her recliner, yet I would have missed the blessings of seeing her smile, her sense of humor with her husband and our wonderful discussions that come out of our readings. I would have missed an opportunity to serve another who was and is desperate for her own healing and for understanding as to why her life has taken the turn it has.
As I continue to read through Pilgrims Progress I look forward to seeing what the Lord once again has to show me. I hope that as you read this post, you too may consider reading along with us. I promise, you will not be disappointed.
Luke 8:15
As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.
The Valley of Vision
A few years ago I was blessed with spending a great deal of time with a friend who was losing her husband to an illness that he had battled for a number of years. Through out our time together I had thought that I was being used to help her get through her difficult time, however, over the years I have realized that I was the one that was blessed and she unknowingly helped prepare me for my own future heartache. Through those lengthy talks, prayers, and cherished moments together I learned and am able to use today the wisdom of waiting on the Lord and how to live with loss.
I thought I knew what it meant to wait upon the Lord, however, nothing in my past has prepared me for what our family has been dealing with more recently. In the last several years I have had to accept loss of family, loss of friends, loss of health and currently loss that comes with economic changes. Loss comes in all shapes and sizes and in all sorts of ways. Some are permanent and some are temporary. Looking through the loss and looking for the clearing on the other side of the fog can be difficult if you are not given the eyes to see it through. Waiting upon the Lord gives clarity.
I have found that staying in prayer and surrounding myself with others of like mindedness in faith always carry me through. The Lord continues to peel back the layers of scales that grow upon my eyes. Each layer giving me new perspective and helping me to grow closer to Him.
My friend, during our time together, introduced me to a wonderful book that I quite often find solace in. As my morning in worship came to a close, I learned of a situation which I have no control over and I felt lost. I so wanted to be “in the know” and a part of a solution for a loved one that I lost sight of my own boundaries. Caring with only your heart and not your head will stretch any boundary and although some of us have hearts full of love for others, it’s the head that needs to remind self of the purpose. If I was wanted, I would have been “in the know”, if I was needed then I would have been called. Everyone makes decisions that are best for them and I need to respect that. My heart may be breaking and my mind may feel the sorrow, however this was one more example of how the valley is what feeds the soul, not the mountain. I’ve said it for years in numerous bible studies that as children of a Holy God, we are not fed at the top of the mountain, (where we typically seek to find Him) we are fed in the valley’s (where we always hear Him). So, in this little book sweetly and ironically called The Valley of Vision I once again find clarity in my valley and once again I thank my friend for the blessing of a little book of wisdom.
The Valley of Vision
LORD, HIGH AND HOLY, MEEK AND LOWLY, Thou has brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness, thy life in my death, thy joy in my sorrow, thy grace in my sin, thy riches in my poverty thy glory in my valley.
Friends, in your valley, I pray that you not just seek but that you hear the Word of God that feeds your soul. That you find solace in your times of sorrow and strength in times of weakness. On this Sunday, I pray for continued wisdom and for accountability when it comes to my own sinfulness.
Closing One Chapter To Begin Another
There are many chapters in life. We begin life in a chapter that is defined by learning, we call it infancy. Learning how to smile, roll over, eat, crawl, walk, talk, and obey. The second chapter is defined by a more advanced learning, this chapter is called childhood. Learning how to read, add, get along with others, obedience to others outside of our parents (i.e. teachers), learning how to play sports, and how to participate as a team member. The third chapter in life is defined by our survival skills, called the teenage years. Learning how to keep up with your peers while staying true to who you are, learning how to multi task between higher education, social activities and future planning. If you are a child of God this time of your life can be especially challenging as you learn to live in this world without being of the world.
I would have to say that each chapter after that is defined not by learning yet by experiences. For me, the fourth chapter would have to be defined by my graduation from college and my career. Chapter five is for me when I feel that my life really began. It’s a chapter that has helped to shape my character and my faith walk. It’s a chapter that suspends my heart into new heights. The chapter containing the beginning of my marriage to my love, my beloved husband of 21 years. It was also the beginning of my heavenly Fathers tug on my heart, creating a new person who died to self and became new in Him. A time not without challenges, yet a time of considerable growth to become the woman I am now.
Chapter six is a chapter that holds the delights and wonderment of new life, motherhood. I would have to say that Chapters five and six are chapters that have chapters within them. They should be more like two separate books holding chapters of their own. (Kind of like the Lord of the Rings books.) There are many memories that take shape in my mind reminding me of the tenderness of life and the depths of which I would go to protect those I love.
Chapter seven is where I feel I find myself this day, pre retirement, middle age, whatever you call it when your children are no longer clinging to your skirt and they are finding their own way in this cruel unsettled world. As we face changes coming upon us we consider the blessings that have adorned our lives and have been given only by the Lord Jesus Christ. Through His hand we exist, through His hand we are blessed with all that we have, and through His hand we trust in His will for our lives.
As we teeter between chapters six and seven, I am finding myself at peace. A peace that can only be given through a heavenly father, superceding all human understanding. I cannot explain how I feel other than to say that although my head tells me I should weep and cry, I find myself holding it together without anxiety and without fear. I thank the Lord for His providential care that cradles me and keeps me from slipping to the ground in defeat.
As I have been packing up boxes and getting things ready in our cottage of over 10 years, I have been telling my husband and my daughter to make a memory of everything we are experiencing this past week. Over the years, I have been storing the memories and was reminded of them as they swirled around me this past week and weekend.
- Memories of the building process and the one day marathon choosing of the flooring, cupboards, knobs, paint, lighting, counter tops, log banister, stone fireplace, tile, landscape, appliances and the sizing of the deck. A marathon of choices that kept the builder at a stand still for over a week as he could not believe we weren’t going to change out minds. When he called us to confirm all of the choices we made in that one afternoon, he was stunned that no changes were necessary.
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Memories of the first weekend at the cottage and moving in on Mothers Day weekend. The picture of the kids and I in the woods show how much younger we once were. As well as the memory of the new kitten that climbed the brand new screens. And the leap of faith from the second floor banister a few months later when she was newly declawed.
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Memories of the snowmobiling trips, ski weekends, weeks on end during the summer that were spent with new friends visiting each week. Of the fire in the new kitchen as we cooked up calamari for a snack and of the raccoons that found their way onto the deck to clean up the plates when we had retreated into the house because of mosquitos. Not to mention the 130 mile snowmobile trips to Mackinac City in one day just to have lunch.
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Memories of the last summer that my grandparents spent in their home state. The picture of them sitting on the porch at the cottage will forever be a favorite. I can still picture my grandfather laughing at the cat that raced through the house every night at 10 p.m. and his enthusiasm that she didn’t fall off the of log railing when she balanced her steps walking above his head.
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Memories of the travels back and forth once we moved out of state. From cats pooping in the kitty litter box right as we left to the projectile puke after we fed them in the car. Not to mention the fun of seeing a wolf on the side of the road in winter at midnight as we were only 2 hours from the cottage.
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Memories of the last Christmas we spent with our dads. As well as the last holiday spent with both of our families together as a complete unit. The same Christmas when we went sledding by noon after opening gifts and my husband blew his knee out sledding down the ski hill with his brother…starting from the top and stopping with one leg at the bottom.
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Memories of cousins running through the yard with water guns and sprinklers. Playing at the lake and in the woods that surround the cottage.
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Memories of 10 birthdays spent in my favorite place! This will be missed!
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Memories of New Years Eve’s sledding down the driveway after midnight. And the gourmet buffet that was served throughout the night waiting for the stroke of midnight.
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Memories of friends that are friends of the past, whose time I cherished and whose memories will live forever in my mind. As well as those friends who continue to bless my life and who have shared so many memories in one of our favorite places.
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Memories of our 20th wedding anniversary spent with the two of us. Even though I was sick and couldn’t do much more than lay on the couch, it was the first time ever we spent alone at our planned retirement home.
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Memories of feeding the deer off of the deck while we sat by quietly watching.
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Memories of the kids playing their bagpipes and hearing them echo through the woods while the neighbors wondered who it was that rattled their ears. ha ha
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Memories of hearing the military jets fly overhead as they trained.
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Memories of the deer that adorned our lawn in the winters outside our bedroom window, sometimes 15 at a time. And the fawns that ran around or slept on the front lawn during the days of spring and summer.
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Memories of the builder that took such good care of us for over 10 years, acting more like a father figure than a builder. Always willing to help, always answering our call and always showing up when we needed him. We will never forget him nor his stories.
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Memories of the snow falling day after day and the buildup up on the deck. The snow and it’s beauty seen through chalet windows. Brisk and constant taking your breath away at how wonderful it is.
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Memories of the road trip my daughter and I took spending a week together and the fun we had driving around taking pictures of the beautiful garden of flowers in the neighborhood.
Memories like these cannot easily be taken away and will not easily be erased. I will cherish them and will look back on them as a chapter within chapters 5 & 6. As we close out this chapter we mourn at the loss, yet we look forward to the next chapter that God has chosen for us to take part in. As long as we are together, we will endure and as long as we have God as our center we will persevere all the way to the last chapter. Writing each memory from each chapter in our minds forever.
Feline Friendly Fridays
“Look mom, it’s snowing again. Do you think the deck can handle more snow?”
“A little cozy time on the biomat with mom. You gotta love detoxing.”
Two cats trying to get warm when the thermometer reads -5.
Feline Friendly Friday
“Sorry mom… I promise I won’t get into the human chicken dinner again. I’ve already put myself into the corner. Do I seriously have to wear that?”
